there’s an older dude in our office who reminded me of a fun uncle. he was kind of like Regis in need of his Kelly. very generous guy, kind of sensitive in his geriatric ways. he and his wife never had kids, yet he had this fatherly quality about him. just a down to earth nice guy.

the type of guy who would notice a new haircut or a new pair of shoes. who could talk about handbags or the latest release of the new OPI colors. it was impressive when he started rattling off various brands of nail polish and their colors. a few of us thought he might be gay. whatever, who cares?

during our daily coffee runs he’d remark on new shoes, or the buckles on someone’s boots. might even mention he liked the type of heel on the boot. i mean, a little strange, but we thought nothing of it. he’s just making conversation cuz he’s a nice guy.

or so i thought until i found out from Folgers that Regis was actually a dirty old man with a foot fetish. now questions like, “what’s your favorite brand of shoes” or “how many pairs of heels do you own” or “do you keep your toe nails painted” take on a different meaning. now we are all totally creeped and grossed out.

i liked it better when he was just Regis. now he’s dirty Regis. do you think Kelly has to put up with this?

it’s usually my mother with whom i have strange conversations.  (check me out!  i used “whom” correctly in a sentence!)  this afternoon, however, my sister played the role of the touched person in the conversation.  as i do on most days, i called her on my way home from work.  today the conversation turned to something a little bit more topical (but not like a topical cream, i don’t need that):

• me: did you hear Elizabeth Edwards died?
• sister: she did?  that’s terrible!  very sad!  i had no idea.
• me: yeah, they just released the news about 15 minutes ago.
• sister: ugh, awful.  what happened?
• me: well, apparently the cancer came back and the doctors told her there was nothing they could do.  they apparently had given her weeks to live, but i guess it took her faster than they thought.  very sad.
• sister:  terrible.  she was a good actress.
• me: what?
• sister:  i said she was a good actress.
• me:  what are you talking about?
• sister:  Katherine Hepburn was good actress.
• me:  not Katherine Hepburn!!  i said ELIZABETH EDWARDS!
• sister:  OH!!  oh, i totally thought you said Katherine Hepburn!  and wait, didn’t she die like 20 years ago?
• me:  uh, yeah, she died a long time ago.  way to listen!
• sister:  sorry!  i didn’t hear you!
• me:  fine, whatever.  anyway, in other news, i have two pimples.
• sister:  you do??
• me: yes, i sure do.  i’m very excited about it.
• sister:  when did you get those?
• me:  This morning.
• sister:  you know, they’re not allowed off leash.
• me:  what?
• sister:  yeah, they have to be on leash at all times.
• me:  no, i heard you, but i don’t know what you’re talking about.
• sister:  pit bulls are dangerous, they have to be on leash. you did say “pit bulls” didn’t you?
• me: uh, no, i said pimples.
• sister:  oh, i was wondering why you would get a pit bull!

one thing you all know about me – i love vag jokes. LOVE them. and i thought i had heard every nick name for the vag known to man; who-ha, cha-cha, lady bits, sugar walls, the p-word, the c-word, va jay jay, va-jean, va gina davis, va zsa zsa, cooter, twat, satch, punta, feeza, the list goes on and on. but gumbo has taught me a new one. and i must say, of all the vag nick names i have heard, i think this is my favorite. are you sitting down? i am going to share it with you, for it is gold.

apparently, in parts of the south, a lady’s twat is called – wait for it – a whisker biscuit. whisker biscuit! how awesome is that? ladies – ya’ll got you some whisker biscuits!

you know what i’m getting my sister for christmas?  a picture of Lucy(fer) and Damien dressed up in full amish garb.  take that!

i never understood the allure of getting up at the ass crack of dawn to go stand outside a shop at 2:00am just to wait for the doors to open at 5:00 so i could get some fabulous deal on a shitty tv.  do i really need a crappy tv that badly?  no, i do not.  and why would i go to a shop at 7:00 in the morning?  there’s just no need.

christmas shopping is akin to getting a rectal exam: something that should be avoided at all costs.

there’s no reason to pack yourself into a store with a bunch of cranky ass people who want to fist fight you over a generic mp3 player.  no thank you, i will pass.  i would rather hang out in my pajamas and shop online.  granted, i won’t have any good stories about some 70+ year old woman yelling at a young mother about how she had the cabbage patch doll first, but somehow i’ll survive.

in fact, unless they start offering hot bachelors at stores, you can guarantee that my ass will be nowhere near the town.

i came up with the best pick in the world.  this pick, in fact, has two hot and manly studs.  two studs, that given the chance, i don’t think i could pick between. it’s like saying, would you like me to give you a 10 carat diamond or a 10 carat diamond.  how do you choose?

when i look at the two next to each other the only thing i can think of is DP (look it up in Urban Dictionary).  oh, Bradley Cooper and Ryan Reynolds, why are you not in my bed right now?

people, let’s talk about dating.  more than that, let’s talk about online dating…

you know i’m one of the bazillions of people who has joined the wonderful and fabulous world of online dating.  like many others, i too must weed through some of the dregs of society in search of my night in shining armor.  here’s the thing: some of these dudes are probably not so bad, but the second i see the dude has been taking a picture of himself in the bathroom, i tune him out.  on to the next one!

the fact is there’s an epidemic sweeping the nation.  it’s worse than bird flu or Bieber fever.  explain to me why there are so many online singles who take pictures of themselves with their smart phones while they’re standing in the bathroom.  WHY??  what are these people thinking?  the last thing i want to see in someone’s picture is how he decorates the bathroom, and/or the dirty towels on the floor.